Brief Update

I did send a reply to my mother, and she sent a pretty neutral, short email back, and that, I think, is the end of that.  For now, at least.  I feel like I handled it well.  I did have a little flipout after she replied–a resurgence of anger for the past, rather than anything related to what she wrote–but hey, that stuff has to get sorted out one way or the other, I guess.

I have been sick the last few weeks.  Finally went to the doctor a few days ago and got on an antibiotic, and feel much MUCH better now.  Boo and I are on spring break right now and have a plan to do a little girls’ getaway over the next few days.  I’m very much looking forward to it.  Sadly, Husband is not on break.

I want to try to write about progress in therapy, but it’s so hard to articulate.  I can feel that I am becoming a different person (in a good sense).  I am WAY less reactive.  I am more trusting.  I think I am learning a lot about how to not do this thing I do where I “mind read,” except I am wrong!  I tend to think I know what another person is thinking, or what their motivations are for saying something, when actually, I might be wrong!  Imagine that!  I’m getting MUCH better at recognizing when I do that, and accepting that, hey, I might be misreading this situation entirely.  My default stance, I’m discovering, has been one of defensiveness and not a small amount of paranoia.  Which makes sense in the context of the past, but not so much in the present, when I am for the most part surrounded by people who care about me and mean well.

My world is changing.  It is slow in many ways, but wow, if I look back just a year, I am pretty overwhelmed at how much easier it is, in general, to be inside my head.  Well, “easier” might be the wrong word, because sometimes it feels harder, but it sure is a lot more stable and manageable.  Even when I feel supremely rotten, I have an awareness of the temporary nature of that feeling, and being able to trust that it will pass is helping me stay with it and process it instead of bailing out automatically into numbness or white brain.

And harder to describe is this experience of attachment with my therapist.  I have secure and strong attachments in my life–my husband, close friends–but there are definitely parts of me that have not had that but are sort of slowly, cautiously venturing into that territory with my therapist.  It’s powerful, and scary.  It’s very much a two steps forward, one step back kind of process, and oh my, it is SLOW, but it is happening.