Shut down

I’ve been hiding out in my bed for the last several days.

This cannot be my response to overwhelm.  This cannot be my response to being triggered.  Ugh.  I feel like a failure at life.  I have done what I needed to do parenting-wise, but little else, including missing two days of work.  Which is idiotic.  I didn’t have anything really important going on at work–didn’t even have any classes coming–but it’s idiotic to miss work for reasons I don’t even want to go into here.

The trigger for this little meltdown was partly the book I read (Denial by Jessica Stern), partly my therapy session.  As ridiculous as I know this is in my intellectual mind, I am having major issues with the moment when T leaned forward.  I’m not having issues with that actual moment as itself, but about what got triggered by it (i.e., I have no concern about T attacking me or doing anything inappropriate, but whatever my brain got reminded of is really wreaking havoc).  I’m too mortified to write what my brain got reminded of.  Sorry.

Mostly when I shut down, I sleep.  I sleep loads.  If I even think about getting up and doing something, I am overwhelmed with sleepiness.  I bathe, I eat, I might read a little bit or surf the web a little bit, but mostly, I crash out.  If I’m awake, I’m anxious and trying to wipe my brain clear of icky thoughts.  If I’m asleep, I get a break from all of that.

Today I have managed to stay awake most of the day.  Went to the grocery store with Boo and watched a few shows with her.  But I’m not feeling like myself yet.

In sum, this whole thing sucks, and I need to do a better job of managing my life when I feel lousy because this is Not Working.

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